Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
