yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
