Apparently you make a good broom.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
