his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Randomize
