I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
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Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
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Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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