how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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