I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
