she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Randomize
