Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
