You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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