Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
