I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
