Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
