So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
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