She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
