So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
