I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
smell my finger.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
