I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
