I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
