My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
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