Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
