i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
