in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
