I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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