great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
