Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
