mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
