I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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