dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
