She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
My breasts were aching with rage.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
