I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
