even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
