I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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