I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
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Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
being pregnant is like rehab
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
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So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize