I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Randomize
