What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
