My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
