Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
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so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
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The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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