So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
