I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
