it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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