Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
