well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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