I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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