She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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