he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
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All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
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Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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