he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Randomize
