I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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