The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
