I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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