i just had sex bonerless
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
He? As in you personified your dick?
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
