You can't motorboat a personality
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Randomize
