No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Randomize
