I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
