Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I think I won the penis lottery.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
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