A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
