I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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