I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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