Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
