Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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