Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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