please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
